What We Carry

Whenever I take my new puppy, Lani, for a walk, she insists on carrying something in her mouth. It might be a pine cone or a stick, or when all else fails a bit of her leash. What I find fascinating is how her posture perks up, her step turns into a prance, when she is carrying something; when her mouth is empty, she tends to drag behind in search of something, anything, to liven up her day.

She reminds me of Tim O'Brien's story, "The Things They Carried." In it he describes the material artifacts the Viet Nam soldiers carried; some were dictated by necessity, such as can openers, pocket knives, and canteens. Other things were dictated by rank or field specialty (pistol or binoculars), or by mission (mosquito netting, mine detectors). But what mattered most, in this story, were the intangibles they carried. Kiowa carried his grandmother's distrust of the white man. Jimmy Cross "humped" his love for a girl back home. Others carried emotional baggage: shameful memories, guilt, fear.

Although most of us aren't on a literal battlefield, we've all fought battles in our lives and we carry the remnants with us. Sometimes they give us strength and remind us of mistakes we've made in the past; they help us in the future. But O'Brien's character Jimmy Cross thought it was "very sad...the things men carried inside." When it comes to baggage like guilt, worry and regret, I think he's right. But I also wonder whether I can let go of some of these things. I wonder whether letting go would lighten my burden or actually make it heavier. Lani seems to think the act of carrying something is easier than emptiness.

Make a list of the things you're carrying. Circle the ones you know you need and then explain, in writing, why they're a must. Then, go back to the rest and write persuasively why you can let them go, and a plan for how to do just that.

Keep in mind: I'm talking about how to really let these things go. Jimmy Cross tried to let go of the guilt for a soldier's death convincingly by adjusting his external appearance: level chin, eye contact, calm tone of voice. I'm not convinced that was enough. But I think if he'd spent some time writing about his self-blame, he might have had a little more success.