When Laughs Turn Into Tears

Robert Louis Stevenson's poem,"I Know Not How, But As I Count" feels especially appropriate at this time of year:

I know not how, but as I count
The beads of former years,
Old laughter catches in my throat
With the very feel of tears.

It is so true! We think back to those days of our youth, or even those days from last year, that brought laughter and happiness into our lives and we feel melancholy that they've passed like old friends gone to heaven. And what if? What if there were a heaven for good times, where experiences bounce beneath rainbows and lounge on cloud pillows, mingling with one another and together creating a completely euphoric utopia?

One experience that comes to mind for me, from this past year, is the weekend I spent in Utah with my husband and middle son. The weather was perfect, with those afternoon periwinkle skies that can be found only in that part of the world, and the scenery was nearly magical, with red sandstone spires and arches and slot canyons. We shared some nice meals and relaxed one afternoon in a lovely B&B overlooking some of the most contented longhorns I'd ever seen.
But best of all was what I heard: the honest words that were spoken, the love confessed for one another. We were open and vulnerable, revealing painful thoughts and fears, yet we were also mutually supportive, caring, all-giving.

I knew then it must have been a dream. And while dreams can be repeated, they're never the same the second time around; like lightening they rarely strike twice in the same way and the same place. And so my memories of that weekend in Utah evoke smiles and laughter but the laughter catches in my throat and the tears stand by, ready to fall, knowing those moments are forever gone.

What memories brought joy into your lives last year that now catch in your throat? As you write about them, be sure to recall the vivid imagery of those special occasions and try, as hard as it seems, to find the words that describe how you felt then, and how you feel now.

For me, I felt the thrill in my heart that you feel when you're in love and that lightheaded feeling in my mind, like a marionette lifted off the stage by its strings, dancing in glee. Now, I feel heavy, as though the strings have been released and the puppeteer has moved on and my wooden body now lies still waiting, hoping, to dance again.